Spiral stairs

Again and again and again... Words appear just in the right moment, not sooner neither later.
As, always, I'm in the middle. It's the kind of place where you feel so many things that you can't even think, breath or acting in an almost normal way. Just feel.

The fact to know that there are people who dream with me, it's overwhelming. Maybe a unique similar feeling to this, is the one that appears when I realize, for 15th time, that the person who I am dreaming to, is not dreaming with me. I know it, but my heart does not. It's like spiral stairs that are always going down, and down, without stopping. Without any other direction to take but the down one.

You know, in this moment, the fact to know that he (my famous "him") is in love, or obssesed, or sick, or crazy for that girl, is something that I don't matter a little. What matters for me now it is the pushing truth to know that he doesn't even take really care of me, or even worry about my thoughts, feelings or wishes; and, in contrast, he has, probably, been using me thorough all this time: almost 2 years, since we met again. When he needs me, he tells me or made me to know it indirectly, and, as usually, I run to get what he wants. When I need him, he doesn't know that I am shouting his name. 
Used, that's how I feel. Dumb, stupid, innocent, silly. That's how I feel. I don't think that real love being like this, but, unfourtunatley, all this */-^# has happened to me a lot of times before, and now I feel it like an enormous wave that hits my soul, without any compassion. Aghhh how I hate this!

All I'd like to happen is to start all over again, step back in time, and take out all my courage, letting my past and present lovers to know about my feelings: When I was 13, 14, 15, 16, 20, 22, and now, 24 years old. But of course, this is not going to happen. Time, in contrast, is hurrying up each day, lefting me alone and frozen just where I am. Now, coming back to my He, everything is a mess. The thing is that I've been "his friend" for a long time ago, but I can't see him as a friend 'cause since the very beginning, we have had a different relationship (Not a friendship neither a love couple):

It's different...
Because we have shared the same bed without any physical contact...
Because the way he looks at me when we are together.
Because of his tiny reactions when I am talking with unknown men in a party, and we have arrived together.
Because a lot of phrases and comments that he told me in a trip we made with other friends, and sometimes he still repeat it to me.
Because all that you can feel when you see us, walking on the street, or talking in a café, or argueing for something: It is different, somehow magical.